1. I enjoy driving because it makes me feel like I'm going places in my life. Sometimes I pretend I'm a trucker, hauling very important cargo like fresh seafood or mail.
2. I like dim lighting. Brings out the best in people.
3. I once responded to a personal ad on Craigslist from a self-described library gnome. He had me at "library gnome".
4. I am a straw user. Have been using for years. No one has staged an intervention yet, but I'm ready.
5. I live for coincidence, deja vu, near misses, nostalgia, goosebumps, poignancy, and Oprah. She totally gets where I'm coming from.
6. People have mistakenly emailed me chemistry notes (with apology about guessing email address of recipient), photos of the Australian condo awaiting a
beautiful fiance (including shot of bountiful fruit bowl on glass coffee table), and assorted emails in transliterated Persian.
7. I once tipped a smoothie vendor $20 for being condescending when I asked if he had any "creamy" drinks. ("Um, we sell smoothies. They're all creamy.") It was a Chicken Soup for the Soul moment.
8. I have freckles, but I'm not telling where. Talk amongst yourselves.
9. I turn my head away during violent movies scenes and end up looking again just as some guy gets punched in the eye. Violence always takes longer than I imagine.
10. I strongly support metaphor.
11. I would like to create a ride at Disneyland similar to the haunted house, but based on my temp jobs.
12. I am an optimist, especially about happy endings.
13. I like you.
14. I can be consoled with fancy olives, certain color combinations, or pictures of baby animals.
15. I WILL fall asleep if I get warm and cozy- location is not a factor.
16. A motorcycle policeman offered me his wax and shammy so I could scrub bird droppings off my car in a gas station. I offered to rinse the shammy afterward but he said it wasn't necessary. Maybe they have a complimentary shammy rinsing service back at headquarters.
17. I left a gray skirt at the dry cleaners four years ago and never picked it up. Every once in a while I think about it. I wonder if it ever thinks about me.
18. I ate an ant on a chip in order to get into my sister's secret treehouse club many years ago. I wonder what I would have to eat to get into the Rotary Club. Probably another weird meat.
19. My coworker once responded to my How Was Your Weekend inquiry with a story about him hog tying his sister's abusive ex-husband.
20. My mother brings me random library books and says things like, "This is all about sea turtles. It reminded me of you." or "Here's one on Bipolar Disorder. I'm sure you'll appreciate it."
21. I think The Hokey Pokey is a timeless song that reaches far beyond ice skating rinks and preschools. Sometimes I cry out to my inner self, "What's it all about?" and then I remember the sage words of the Hokey Pokey, break into a serene smile, and murmur, "that's what it's all about."
My name is Nasreen. I write micro essays, one-liners, and other small things. Most of them were funny at some point, at least to me.