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Small talk? No thanks. I’ll just hang out over here and watch the leftover party cheese sweat on the counter.
 The caption under the smiling lady reads: Avoid placing rhinestones at bust points.
Which makes me wonder if the author is speaking from personal experience. Did she innocently bedazzle a t-shirt with a rhinestone on each nipple, only to realize later that her decorations were misinterpreted? I should not be allowed to buy potatoes anymore. I'm ready to turn myself in to Social Services for being an unfit guardian. When I buy potatoes I buy two- one for now and one for later. And having dutifully Googled potato storage, I know that they should be stored in the dark so they don't sprout. So I take this precious later potater and find it the deepest, darkest most secret cave in my house, sometimes in the kitchen but sometimes not, and I tuck it in for a nice nap where it will not be disturbed.
Six months later, while chasing a spider, I find the potato. It is more sprout than spud, wildly spiny and wreathed in an odd odor, and I make a move to tip off National Geographic that I have discovered a new deep sea creature. Then I remember that I'm just an unfit mother who has turned her potato into a monster again. My Hotmail account just received an email from Western Union Malaysia. Apparently I am one of the seven email beneficiaries approved to receive the sum of $1,500,000 from the U.N. Humanitarian Aid/ Poverty Alleviation Program. All I have to do is provide them with my personal information!
Why do I collect antique email accounts? Because, I tell myself, one day they'll be worth a lot. Like, say, $1,500,000. Related: I'm working on a new superhero called Mr. Hotmail. He is up to both elbows in fake Rolexes and can survive for months on nothing but generic Canadian Viagra. He fights crime by hurling fistfuls of spam at the bad guys. His sidekick is a Nigerian prince. 1. I'm considering returning a bottle of olive oil because I can't get the cap off.
2. I'm looking to hire a Rubik's Cube genius to untangle one of my necklaces. 3. A rat died violently all over my living room. I put on snow boots and a bad ass apron that says Kiss the Cook and yanked it out by the tail. But first, I considered calling a few people who owe me a favor. 4. I have a very cute jumpsuit that I cannot finish buttoning by myself. And I'm basically a contortionist. So I wear it partially unbuttoned and the first person who stops me on the street to tell me my buttons came undone gets to finish the job. Other than this, my life is totally under control. There's this new service at Home Depot where if you buy a flashlight they will ask if you are ok loading in the batteries and before you can answer they lead you to the lawn furniture, sit you down in a recliner, offer you a cooking magazine, slowly unwrap a package of batteries and insert them, slowly, in various directions, over the course of five or ten minutes, and then guess your astrological sign.
Q: How many Craigslist scammers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Thank you for inquiring about my light bulb repair service. Two years ago I had to leave the cou&ntry unexpectedly, as my wif and I were called to Missionary work in the Ivory Coast . ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU DEPOSIT $9,500 INTO MY SECURE EBAY ACCOUNT BY TOMORROW AT NOON! IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO THESE CONDITIONS DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER! When I have received your payment I will FedEx you a package which will will contain a key, a lock of hair, and two Jolly Ranchers. Eat the Jolly Ranchers, give the hair to a baby, and use the key to open the vacant apartment on 883 Shoreline Rd. in Bethesda, Maryland. Inside the basement you will find two dexterous men who specialize in light bulb rotation. They are mute, that is not my problem. Have a blessed day; This is exactly what I always assumed was going on in the Spanish language Ikea catalog.  |
AuthorMy name is Nasreen Yazdani. Archives
February 2022
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