​If your prose is not urban enough try copying and pasting into a Word Up document. Works for me, peeps.

​The lady in the oversized football jersey who cut my hair today repeatedly speared my ear with the comb as if she were trying to slide it onto a skewer to make a delicious ear kabob. I kept picturing a bucket of other customers' ears marinating in a mini fridge in the back room and it made me uneasy. So imagine my relief when she explained that she was just overexcited because her son is turning 18 on Wednesday and now he can finally go on cigarette runs for her! Faith in humanity: restored.

​Sometimes when people get fancy pedicures with flower designs their toes look like beautiful little bathroom tiles.

​My mother just texted me: "4:25 p.m. A crow flew past me with a bright orange Cheeto in his beak."  We believe the symbolic interpretation may be along the lines of DECLINE AND FALL OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION.

​Nothing surprises me at the laundromat anymore. This is Abby. She's 26, infertile, and likes the crispy part of KFC chicken. She jumped on me the minute I told her she was pretty, then got bored and ate a People Magazine.  

​Can we get a mammogram in the produce aisle?

​Seeking an intern with a background in Archeology to manage my freezer. Must have a strong stomach and ability to make executive decisions at subzero temperatures. Compensation: Novelty Christmas ice cream from 2016.

​Cashier: Would you like a plastic spoon for that giant tub of ice cream?
Me: No thanks. Why?
Cashier: So you can start eating it in the car. 
Me: No, I'm all set. 
 Cashier: How far away do you live?
Me: I'm not going to eat it in the car! And if I did, I wouldn't need a spoon. I would just rip the lid off and rub it all over my face.
Cashier: Ok ma'am. (Silently puts three spoons in the bag.)

​Welcome to Wayne's World Pumpkin Patch, run by a guy named Shane. As far as I can tell, they are open 24 hrs. It's a casual operation. Tomorrow Shane is bringing in a bouncy house and he will be in there all night if any ladies care to join him. You can also take a selfie with this mummy in a one-eyed skull codpiece...