​It's not easy being a freckle. One day you're adorable, everybody loves you. The next day- BOOM - you're a cancerous freak.

​Stop! You're under arrest! For julienning a vegetable with the intent to arrange it on a Ritz cracker accompanied by a mild soft cheese and fresh parsley.

Cashier: Anyway, that's a summary of my personal journey with the Diva Cup.
Me: Can I just pay cash for these carrots?

​I asked a lady what the date was today and she said the 31st. Look lady, don't judge me. Just because I wear sensible attire and have a socially appropriate affect doesn't mean I know what month it is.

​The highlight of the 2017 Miss Status Symbol Awards was when the Birkin bag had to relinquish her crown to a 16 oz wide-mouth mason jar.

​AAhhh! Tired of waking up with tight hamstrings. I've tried massage and epsom salts. Is it too late to call these people?

No pain, no gain!
Push that body OVER THE EDGE!
Take a deep breath. It's the last one you'll have for the next 90 minutes.
I want to see you DRIPPING sweat! Your mat better be a
Slip 'N Slide when we're done. Capeesh?
Pick up your free weight and cram it into your jaw.  Yes, it's gluten-free.
Everyone should have two straps-- they're both for self-flagellation.
Go ahead, primal scream. No one can hear you, honey. I locked the doors.
Next pose is called ROID RAGE WARRIOR!
Every morning I get up at 4 a.m. and drink a smoothie made out of two Hungry Man tv dinners, protein powder, and a very bloody steak!
I can't explain any of my bruises!  It's weird!
But I  can explain the one you're about to get right now.
Your job is to do what I say! My job is to hurt you!
Your knees should be OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS!
More! Harder! Fifty reps, NOW!
FEEL. THE. BURN.

My heart to yours, namaste. ​

​Just wondering how the homeless schedule themselves for shifts on the best street corners. I mean other than the obvious iphone app.

​My professional recommendation would be to BeDazzle it.