​On my deathbed, I will probably regret all the time I spent trying to figure out whether your online message is incomprehensible because you are using voice-activated text 
or because you can't type
or because you can't spell
or because you're referencing some newfangled meme that I'm too old to know about.

Life is short and there are more important things to focus on.

Besides, who are we kidding? The internet is the one place where you don't need to justify the spouting of nonsense.  Contrary to popular belief, the official online language is not English.  It's Gibberish.  Our motto here is show up, open your mouth, and take a bow.

We have lower standards than public pools.  Underage? Intoxicated? Active diarrhea of the mouth? Come on in! The water's warm. (It's mostly pee.)

***

xxoo
Look, in case this came off as harsh let me just say that I'm right there alongside everyone else, babbling away, enjoying a nice relaxed pee party in cyberspace.  It's all good.

I am offering a new Housekeeping Motivational Service.

We don't clean your house, but we do motivate you to clean it yourself by prank calling you with impersonations of special visitors who are "stopping by tomorrow for a quick visit".


Options include:

• Martha Stewart
• Justin Bieber
• The Queen of England
• Your secret crush
• Beyonce (with children)
• Oprah (with cameras)

• Prince & David Bowie (from the grave)

​
and of course,

• YOUR PARENTS

Price is $59/month or whatever it takes to beat your current service.  Ladies, inquire about my discount bundle with Motivational Leg Shaving!

You: I like your earrings.

Me: Hold on. (Tries to remember what earrings are in. Tries to crane neck enough to view earring. Almost breaks an eye trying to bend gaze around cheek. Touches earrings in attempt to identify them by shape. Fondles earrings for too long, gets lost in the fondling; it's weird for everyone. Fishes around for cell phone to view reflection in camera app...) ...

You: Anyway, see you later. I have to go now.

Me: Thanks! (Yanks earring out. "You gorgeous little trouble maker. If you weren't so pretty I'd dump you.")

She does BBQ.  (I found her in Beijing.) 

The greeting card aisle is intense.  You're surrounded by births, deaths, drama, ghosts of bar mitzvahs past and future. Audio cat cards.

Bible verses.
Fart jokes.

Plus, card categories have gotten so weirdly specific now ("Star Wars Belated Birthday- From All of Us and the Pets to Step-Nana").  I sometimes wish for the halcyon days of flowers on the outside, blank on the inside. Boom. Happy whatever.

Cake is a drink if it's done right.

An ACTUAL email I received today:

Subject: Nasreen, can I find you non-English voice actor

With over 200,000 voice talents speaking over 100 languages, we’re known for making hiring voice talent the best part of your project. It’s easy for us to find that “hard to find” voice (like a Spanish Pirate for instance!) …

I look forward to connecting, 
Jennifer Sadler
***
An ACTUAL email I did not send:

Dear Jennifer,

Your timing is impeccable. I need the following voice actors ASAP:
1. Japanese safari guide
2. Navajo zumba instructor
3. Yiddish Elvis impersonator
4. German Voodoo priestess
5. Mongolian bikini model
6. Lebanese chicken sexer
7. Malagasy Instragram influencer
8. Yemeni feminist bookstore clerk
9. Jamaican sherpa
10. Mayan mattress salesman

Let's make a deal!
​
Nasreen

​I'm hungry for adventure. But here I am once again with a severed tail between the teeth, while the elusive lizard of my dreams is shimmying off into the sunset, waggling a sassy bare butt-nubbin, doing Jersey Shore pushups, stopping only to slow-glance back through sarcastic leaden lizard lids and stick out a long slimy sporked tongue.

​Some people do dishes responsibly, bit by bit, keeping up with the task throughout the day. Me, I wait until I can't access the faucet without getting old ketchup stuck in my arm hair. When I can't take it anymore, I grab the dishwashing soap with both hands, flip it upside down, and shoot it all over the sink in crazed zig zags like lighter fluid. Then I turn on the faucet full blast and SET THE WHOLE THING ON FIRE, if you know what I mean.