Modern Love

3/14/2019

I wrote to the New York Times about my love life. Enjoy!
How Do You Know When It's Time to Break Up?

MonkGroupie

3/15/2019 05:00:50 am

I read your beautiful essay from the New York Times on breaking up with someone you love. I had to find out if you’d written anything else, and try to read all of it.

Nasreen link

3/17/2019 07:35:29 pm

Thank you for reading my essay, MonkGroupie, and for taking the time to comment. The NYT piece is my first published essay. I also have a poem about a ceiling fan over at www.rattle.com. Aside from the hodgepodge of content on this blog, I am working on a book of short stories. Thanks again for being here.

That guy link

3/15/2019 05:02:20 am

Love and life are messy projects.

Your story made me want to fix the leaky dishwasher , sing a ballad and kiss her forehead.

Nasreen

3/17/2019 07:52:59 pm

Ha! Honestly, this makes me so happy. Perfect outcome.

David Shuman

3/15/2019 06:55:45 am

Enjoyed reading your NYT Modern Love piece. It was kind of you to give this man a chance -- his transgressions against your hairbrush and your peanut butter really do exhibit a troublesome lack of judgment. Although I know, as a man who likes to get things done, that to make an omelette, one must break a few eggs, my thought was: damn, dude, not that many eggs, and not those eggs!

The idea about bringing a gift to the break-up is truly excellent. The nicest break-up I ever had was when she came over, we sat down, and she said, "I think we have reached the end," and then we opened a bottle of wine. It wound things down in sort of a time-order reverse of our first date. Instead of starting the bottle as "not dating" and finishing as "dating," we did the reverse. I think the ceremonial aspect of it helped us avoid having any uncomfortable and unhelpful discussions of where we found each other lacking.

Nasreen

3/17/2019 08:19:03 pm

Hi David! I really like your idea of the reverse time-order winding down ceremony. I believe the great Marie Kondo advocates for thanking each belonging before removing it from the home. What a beautiful ending to recall the relationship together on rewind, in celebration and gratitude, before gently tossing each other to the wind. ;)

Amy Landau link

3/15/2019 07:00:09 am

Beautifully written piece! Thank you.

Nasreen

3/17/2019 08:19:48 pm

Thank you, Amy. I'm so glad you enjoyed it.

Jane

3/15/2019 08:48:14 am

I read it!!!! AND I CAME HER TO MEET YOU!!!
Great piece! If you get sick of him, I'll take him! He sounds lovely!!!
All the best

jane

Nasreen

3/17/2019 08:21:36 pm

Hi Jane! Nice to meet you. Yes, he's lovely. I'll make a note that you're next in line. ;)

john link

3/15/2019 10:31:11 am

Hi-

Just wanted to let you know I really enjoyed your article in today's NY Times. It was well-written, humorous and honest. It also "hit home" for me. ;)

Thanks for your essay today and keep-up the good writing.

John in Greece

Nasreen

3/17/2019 08:26:36 pm

Hi John,

It warms my heart to hear that you enjoyed the article. In the past few days, I've been contacted by people from all over the world for who are puzzling through this same question. Apparently we're not alone!

Bob Thurber link

3/16/2019 09:12:39 am

Very enjoyable, sharply written piece in the New York Times.
Lots of feeling, insight, and lots of fun. I recommend it.
And now I'll be looking around this neat blog for a while.

all good wishes,
BT
http://www.bobthurber.net/

Nasreen

3/17/2019 08:34:57 pm

Hi Bob!

Thanks for stopping by. Your kind words mean a lot to me. And now, I'm off to check out "Paperboy: A Dysfunctional Novel". That excerpt on Goodreads is quite a tease. I love your style.

David

3/17/2019 02:10:34 pm

I read this on the NY Times page. You're a brilliant writer. really enjoyed it! :)

Nasreen

3/17/2019 08:36:30 pm

Hi David,

I'm delighted that you liked the essay. Thank you for taking the time to tell me.

Tony link

3/18/2019 03:42:50 pm

Are you mad? Break up with this man? Better you should give up oxygen! Love may not conquer all, but it is better than any known alternative. Forever chain yourself to this apparent Adonis who so adores you!

Nasreen

3/19/2019 12:17:43 am

You make good points, Tony. Maybe I should chain myself to Adonis. On the other hand, he hung the curtain rods crooked.

Grace

3/18/2019 04:36:02 pm

Okay so wow wow wow...

After I read the article I just sat there, stunned, for about 5 minutes in total silence. I've never read something so serenly relevant to my life.

I just got back with my boyfriend even though I know we arent going to end up together and just SHIT I wish your had an ending! It ended just exactly where I am. I was looking for answers nasreen ANSWERS.

But anyway so much love to you and your work.

I wish you all the happiness and peace in the world.

Nasreen

3/24/2019 08:46:21 pm

Hi Grace!

You have no idea how much I wish I had answers for you, or for me. Can we just volley happiness and peace back and forth until one of us has an epiphany? .

John

3/19/2019 11:33:07 am

I thought your partner deserves someone way better than you. He was damned for unspecified reasons - but how bad could they have been? You went back! He should have taken the opportunity to leave. I also hope he approved the article beforehand, which he had a right to do.

Nasreen

3/19/2019 01:41:53 pm

Hi John,

Thank you for reading my essay and taking the time to comment. I think it says something about how I told the story that you care about my partner and, in fact, see me as unworthy of him. It makes me smile. As the author, I deliberately chose how to paint a picture of him. I intended for him to be an endearing character, because that is the way I see him. I'm glad that came through.

This essay was written with so much love (and pain, and amusement, and vulnerability, and a range of emotions which I did try to share with you honestly). My partner is admirable and captivating because he is complex, not a perfect angel. He is deeply human, and I tried to convey some of the beauty of that human experience in a brief essay. Some details were left out because of the space limit, and some were omitted because I am not obligated to divulge everything to a public audience. That was not the purpose of the essay.

Regarding his right to approve the article, I completely agree with you, and thank you for caring about him enough to voice your concern. I involved him throughout the writing process, including minor last minute revisions. He felt very loved by the essay. If he had expressed reservations, I would not have published it. We've laughed and cried about it. We've used it to reflect on our dynamic together-- the pros and cons. He's pitched a few t-shirt ideas:
"I'M HER GHOSTBUSTER"
"MUSE"

Regarding whether he should have left or should leave at any point, that is entirely up to him. We are both free to make our own decisions, and also to change our minds. I don't personally think of relationships as a contest between which partner is more worthy. I see the question as more about whether the match is a good fit and mutually agreeable, however that shakes out.

Anyway, we're puzzling through it together, which is all we can do. We're human. We're flawed. We're fumbling our way through love and relationship, trying to live our best lives. We don't know how this story ends. I think that's beautiful. Thanks again for reading, and for your kind concern about my partner.

Henny

3/19/2019 10:33:13 pm

i truly enjoyed reading your piece, and i loved this response as well.

Nasreen

3/19/2019 11:29:05 pm

Thank you, Henny. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Joshua

3/21/2019 03:53:57 am

I enjoyed your NY Times article very, very much. Humor from the heart is an intoxicating blend.

But I think I enjoyed your reply to John even more. If the comedy/writing thing doesn’t pan out (and I sincerely hope that it does!), you might consider a career in politics, psychology or the clergy.

Please add me to any type of fan base list you have going forward for future publications and best of luck to you in life and love.

Nasreen

3/24/2019 08:42:26 pm

Hi Joshua,

If I end up joining the clergy, I will definitely look back on this moment and smile. Thank you for all the things you said to me. I have been chewing on them like the most delicious cud. I might never stop.

Udee

3/20/2019 05:54:06 am

If that article is a cry for confirmation that yes, you need to break up with him, you have spectacularly hijacked your own project. I love it!!

Nasreen

3/24/2019 08:48:15 pm

Ha. ha. ha. You have me all figured out, Udee. I have hijacked my own project. {slow dramatic bow}

Greg Kerstetter link

3/20/2019 07:33:33 am

Nasreen, thanks for the honesty, vulnerability, and laughs in your Modern Love piece. Smoky porridge, indeed.
And, then, your response to John was a public exercise in generosity of spirit, and top-notch thinking, from which we all could learn. "I don't think of relationships as contests between which person is more worthy." Yep.

Nasreen

3/24/2019 08:52:55 pm

Hi Greg,
Thanks for reading, and taking the essay in the spirit in which it was intended. I know that humor doesn't always translate, but at least for me, it has been the most honest way to communicate what I see in life. We're all wired differently...

Smokey porridge! (That's our little inside joke now. Just me and you. ;) )

Tricia Paoluccio link

3/21/2019 07:48:03 pm

I just had to find you to tell you how much I LOVED your article in the NY Times. So funny, so much detail and so much heart. I just loved it. He sounds like such a great guy. And I hope you both have figured it out. I really really loved you shared your story with such honestly and I wish I could write like you!

Nasreen

3/24/2019 08:57:46 pm

Hi Tricia!

Wow. I really feel the love in your message. You're lobbing me these little love bombs and I'm catching EVERY SINGLE ONE. Thank you for being so sweet to me. Yes, he's a great guy. No, we don't have it all figured out. :)

Fatima

3/24/2019 10:38:24 am

Hi, Nasreen,

I appreciate your essay and presenting a part of love and relationship that is not easy to put into words. I have felt selfish feelings and having some of the thoughts you have. I am a 35 yrs old, divorced, southasian woman, in a relationship with 59yrs old, non- southasain man. Not only does our demographic play a factor in our relationship, but the way we rationalize our feelings, actions, and behaviors, leave me yearning for a partner... yet I want to marry him because he makes me happy. I love being happy with him.

Nasreen

3/24/2019 09:07:23 pm

Hi Fatima,

Thanks for sharing your story. I do believe that cultural background is an important part of relationship dynamics. I didn't touch on it much in this essay, but it's definitely there, making its mark. I completely relate to what you are saying about wanting to marry someone who makes you happy. I don't personally believe that considering practical aspects of the relationship means you are selfish. I think you deserve to engage both mind and heart when you consider long-term commitment. It is part of your dignity, as it is part of his to do the same. I wish you so much happiness and love, however you choose to create that in your life.

Jennifer

3/26/2019 08:40:14 pm

Hi Nasreen,
I read your story and I was truly amazed by the way you described how my boyfriend makes me feel hahaha. In some way I' relief knowing that someone described perfectly my feelings and the uncertainty in a relationship.

Jim

3/27/2019 02:00:23 pm

Loved your heartfelt Modern Love essay. And the last line was brilliant. It's one I will revisit when needed - when is love greater than doubt? It's a question in my life right now so perfect timing!

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