I'm not good with names.
So when the lady at Starbucks wants to write my name on the cup and I make up a name so we don't have to go through a lesson on Persian transliteration I really try to remember my fake name.
But sometimes I just can't. Especially when I've been concentrating so hard on the menu and trying to order something in Starbucks language that isn't an impossible contradiction. Grande Frappuchino. Ok. Macchiato Frappuchino. Not ok. There's a grammar built into the whole Starbucks system-- some words are nouns (latte), some adjectives (tall), some appear to be in a foreign language (Italian?).
Anyway, as long as I can string some words together and make a legitimate request I'm happy. And the first sip is a delicious surprise.
But occasionally, more often around the full moon (cue high school science project), I forget both my alias and my order. So there I am, loitering around the place where the drinks pop out fully formed, steaming, smoking, shivering, doing a little soft shoe dance, whatever we have asked of them, and I'm lost. A motley crew of cups sprawl on the shelf like overpriced orphans, with names like Mindy, Linda, and Amber, all phonetic, all names I have used at some point in the heat of the moment.
"Can I help you Ma'am?"
"I am looking for my drink."
"What's your name?"
"Well usually I know, but today is kind of tricky."
"What did you order?"
"The nice cashier helped me ask for a drink. I think it has coffee in it, but I can't be sure."
Have you ever lost a rental car in a giant parking lot? You can't remember where the car is, and you wouldn't know it if you saw it anyway, so you wait until most of the other drivers leave and then aim your key at the remaining vehicles. Right? It can take hours.
That's a long time to wait for a beverage. Which is why I would like to patent a new product aimed at people with ethnic or otherwise unspellable names. It's the Starbucks tattoo. Great for people with bangs or throw away foreheads, sits right above the eyebrows, and says: My STARBUCKS name is [Pam].
My name is Nasreen. I write micro essays, one-liners, and other small things. Most of them were funny at some point, at least to me.