1. I enjoy driving because it makes me feel like I'm going places in my life. Sometimes I pretend I'm a trucker, hauling very important cargo like fresh seafood or mail.
2. I like dim lighting. Brings out the best in people. 3. I once responded to a personal ad on Craigslist from a self-described library gnome. He had me at "library gnome". 4. I am a straw user. Have been using for years. No one has staged an intervention yet, but I'm ready. 5. I live for coincidence, deja vu, near misses, nostalgia, goosebumps, poignancy, and Oprah. She totally gets where I'm coming from. 6. People have mistakenly emailed me chemistry notes (with apology about guessing email address of recipient), photos of the Australian condo awaiting a beautiful fiance (including shot of bountiful fruit bowl on glass coffee table), and assorted emails in transliterated Persian. 7. I once tipped a smoothie vendor $20 for being condescending when I asked if he had any "creamy" drinks. ("Um, we sell smoothies. They're all creamy.") It was a Chicken Soup for the Soul moment. 8. I have freckles, but I'm not telling where. Talk amongst yourselves. 9. I turn my head away during violent movies scenes and end up looking again just as some guy gets punched in the eye. Violence always takes longer than I imagine. 10. I strongly support metaphor. 11. I would like to create a ride at Disneyland similar to the haunted house, but based on my temp jobs. 12. I am an optimist, especially about happy endings. 13. I like you. 14. I can be consoled with fancy olives, certain color combinations, or pictures of baby animals. 15. I WILL fall asleep if I get warm and cozy- location is not a factor. 16. A motorcycle policeman offered me his wax and shammy so I could scrub bird droppings off my car in a gas station. I offered to rinse the shammy afterward but he said it wasn't necessary. Maybe they have a complimentary shammy rinsing service back at headquarters. 17. I left a gray skirt at the dry cleaners four years ago and never picked it up. Every once in a while I think about it. I wonder if it ever thinks about me. 18. I ate an ant on a chip in order to get into my sister's secret treehouse club many years ago. I wonder what I would have to eat to get into the Rotary Club. Probably another weird meat. 19. My coworker once responded to my How Was Your Weekend inquiry with a story about him hog tying his sister's abusive ex-husband. 20. My mother brings me random library books and says things like, "This is all about sea turtles. It reminded me of you." or "Here's one on Bipolar Disorder. I'm sure you'll appreciate it." 21. I think The Hokey Pokey is a timeless song that reaches far beyond ice skating rinks and preschools. Sometimes I cry out to my inner self, "What's it all about?" and then I remember the sage words of the Hokey Pokey, break into a serene smile, and murmur, "that's what it's all about."
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One hand on the steering wheel, one hand holding a parrot-- that's how the middle-aged women in my neighborhood roll.
I dropped a raspberry. It vaulted off the blender, dove two back somersaults and 4 1/2 twists in the pike position down into the sink, launched a stunning triple Salchow behind the rice cooker, executed a flawless 90 second floor routine to the music of the tea kettle, and landed a perfect dismount underneath the fridge, not a hair out of place. Meanwhile, a bag of flour exploded in the cabinet.
Do you have any other questions about my messy kitchen? As a pedestrian sauntering through a packed four-way intersection, I am basically Neo in the Matrix, putting up my hand, stopping time and all the bad guys.
Payless Shoes: where you can hike up your pants to the thigh and limp around in a stiletto and a grubby sock-- and still be the most normal person in the store. mage: https://c1.staticflickr.com/8/7676/28013026775_8e2fbd33f7_b.jpg
I've been crunching some numbers and it looks like everyone here should actually be at the beach today.
Mother: That's a nice tie. Father: Thanks. I got it at the Men's Whorehouse. Mother: Honey, do you mean the Men's Warehouse? Father: Oh right. ******************************************************************** And, in honor of my sweet, beloved father, (I should really have done this on Father's Day), another memory--- The other night my father and I were flipping channels and came across Larry King interviewing Dolly Parton. Father: Who's she? Me: Haven't you heard of Dolly Parton? Father: Maybe. Is she some kind of humorist? Me: Well, sort of. She's famous for other reasons. Do you notice anything unusual about her? Father: She has extremely gaudy earrings. Me: There you go. She's famous for her pair of gargantuan earrings. Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Mardi_Gras_French_Quarter_18.jpg
Gonzaga University should change its name to Gorgonzola University if it ever wants to get a job in Hollywood.
Self Assessment (be honest)
Q: Why won't your resealable package close? a) Didn't tear on the dotted line b) Problems with Tab A and/or Tab B c) I bit a giant hole in the bottom and the contents are shooting out like a deranged pinata. This is what happened: I'm doing dishes, chatting with a friend who has just mentioned in passing that he used to work as a personal chef for Michael Jackson, and we realize that there's a bat on the kitchen floor. We open the door, the bat leaves. And life continues to be stranger than fiction.
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AuthorMy name is Nasreen Yazdani. Archives
February 2022
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