My absentee neighbor's printer keeps making gurgling noises in its sleep like the cartridge can't get comfortable. I want to wake it up but I'm afraid we might be dealing with an Avatar situation where if this printer wakes up, another printer in a parallel universe which is being chased through magical forests falls instantly asleep and is captured.
And I don't need any more awkward conversations with my coworkers.
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My signature dining experience is a little overcrowded taco shop with a new cashier. I just order something random because it doesn't matter: they'll screw it up and give me whatever they want. Surprise! (In my head: "Madam, did you order the 'Chef's Whim?'")
WHY YES I DID. Steel-cut oats are the bad-ass brass knuckles of breakfast foods.
INDIAN NAME EXPERTS: For work purposes, I'm assuming that the standard abbreviation for Megahashree Hotannanavara is Mega Hottie. Yes?
I keep a single page of notes on my phone which is a combination of a running grocery list and my dream journal. If anyone ever steals my phone, they will have to deal with this:
Orange juice Fennel Mother with orphan kittens. I try to help her care for them, but I get too much cat hair in my mouth. Peanut butter Man jumps out of antique car and runs into fields to pick fruit. It is late in the summer, difficult to find certain fruits he wants. I feel sorry for his struggle. Tissues Sesame oil Garlic I can do three back flips in a row! I am so athletic! I perform for people in the street, but no one notices. Wading in tide pools with my sister and Michael Jackson. His white socks get wet. Squash Most of my childhood memories lie dormant in the sidewalk
waiting for me to wet them on a hot day and inhale Before you buy that box of veggie patties with fake grill marks, think about how many preschool play kitchens they had to rob.
I'm happy to be me. Except when I'm apartment hunting, then I wish I were 55+. Or when I need a parking space, then I wish I were crippled. Or when I'm cruising the dog aisle at Ross, then I wish I were a petite chihuahua with painted toenails and a gullible owner who feels I deserve an ergonomic bed, artisan snacks, and an endless wardrobe of saucy holiday dresses.
I will only chase a runaway napkin up to 10 feet. I have my dignity.
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AuthorMy name is Nasreen Yazdani. Archives
February 2022
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